Stop the world, I want to get off! - Entry 3

June 13, 1915

His face and that bitter little laugh. How could I ever forget this? 

Oh, Helena, why must he want more than my friendship? This has spoiled everything now! 

I thought Gilbert would know, of all people, how I felt about all this. The Redmond kids talk and everyone at Avonlea gossips incessantly but Gilbert...I thought I knew him. I remember back at Avonlea years ago, we would lightly hint at and mock all those idle gossip on his anonymous column. We laughed at the town's reaction, especially Charlie's irked and, I soon perceived, jealous ones. When I pulled my hand away two years ago and reacted the way I did, I has so wrongfully assumed he understood. 

I am not to see Gilbert at all this summer because he had taken a job at the Daily News office. He told me so before his question and I recall that I wasn't pleased with the prospect of a Gilbert-less summer. And I still am not pleased with a summer and no Gil. I hate to imagine a day where I don't see him but two whole months? 

Well, I suppose we should have some time apart; everything will sort themselves out eventually, they've got to. But how long do I have to wait before "eventually" comes and will it ever? Already, I feel acutely empty without him. 

I care for him a great deal, like him more than anyone else I know and I've told him so. But to love him! I can't.